Requiem

Absolve, Domine, animas omnium fidelium defunctorum ab omno vinculo delictorum et gratia tua illis succurente mereantur evadere iudicium ultionis, et lucis æterne beatitudine perfrui.

it was yesterday that at 6 am as i was waking, i heard whispers. it was my first brother and my mom. at first what my groggy mind could pick up were the snippets from their conversation, "transport", "payag na si boss," "me sasakyan," "Leyte," "patay". the last two words made me realize something it was something serious so i got up and saw that he was already dressed in his scrub suit. i thought he had just either come home or was just leaving for the hospital. he asking my mom if she would allow him to travel to Leyte. the second attack got my father this time. he died at the hospital. first brother didn't have to didn't have to ask permission. he is already old enough to decide on his own, to travel on his own. he can just inform my mom where he was going and what he'll be doing there. i sensed my mom didn't want to let him go. so i snapped at her,"pabayaan mo na. patay na yung tao." that is the extent of her hate. i can't blame her. so many things happened to her. instead i felt a flash of anger. why coudn't she let go? why wouldn't she let go? Angel said, "if that is how she feels, so be it." another friend said, "she's trapped in the past..."

"condolence", "how are u?" or "musta na?" were the usual things that flooded my usually silent cp. we are a dysfunctional family most of you know that. what most of you don't know is that i have forgiven my father long before he died but he never knew it. he was what he was in life and those are facts that cannot be changed anymore. he had his faults and yes i had mine too. we all had our share of crosses to bear. one of mine was not talking to him for i guess two years already. it's just that every time we talk the old wounds would be opened again. but i prayed a lot for my parents that they will finally find peace and comfort. a lot of people have told me that i am a strong person. in some matters perhaps but when it comes to family, i am the most emotional and yet i don't show the extent of my emotions. i always thought that being the eldest i must be brave. in solitude is where i have my moments. i have come to realize that deep inside i am still the hurt little child.

i told an officemate, "ganun pala. kahit na ano pa ang mga nangyari, nalulungkot ka pa rin." i'm sad that he died without seeing his kids. i dunno but i think he died a lonely man. earlier, my mom had filed a harassment case against a certain woman who came to our house demanding stuff. having been at the house that day, i witnessed the whole thing. weird that while i was fighting for my mom at the court, my dad was perhaps fighting for his life at the hospital. he was still my father, i wouldn't be here typing were it not for him.

"just do what's best for the family," Angel said. it's hard. i have been told to follow first brother to Leyte and my conscience says i should but another part of me says, i am where i am needed most. besides i can't travel because of some important reasons. my third brother wanted to go. i guess he wanted to see him for the last time because being the youngest, he had the shortest time to get to know my father before my parents separated. i thought what if he goes instead of me, second brother was going anyway? and yet i had apprehensions because of the bus that was bombed yesterday and the fact that he is still a minor. to be fair, i made him decide but he ultimately declined. since the fare is expensive, i can only send one so i gave the offer to my sister instead. she and second brother will leave tomorrow at 6am to arrive on monday morning or earlier. burial will be on tuesday. i wish my father, eternal rest and my mom peace of mind and heart.

in the evening a friend came to see me. i needed company he was a welcome sight until he started yakking about this and that. i just sat there looking at him but deep inside my mind was screaming, "shut up! shut up! can't you see? can't you understand?" i guess he just wanted to be there to comfort me but he didn't really have any idea how. how sweet but he didn't have to talk, he could just have sat beside me and held my hand or he could have just patted my back or given me a hug.

friends, thank you so much. your text messages and prayers are very much appreciated. even though some of you live in another city or in another country, you have in your way tried to give comfort.

i will have the Requiem when it's time...

Forgive, O Lord, the souls of all the faithful departed from all the chains of their sins and may they deserve to avoid the judgment of revenge by your fostering grace, and enjoy the everlasting blessedness of light.

"kung ang lahat ay may katapusan, itong paglalakbay ay makakarating din sa paroroonan..."

Featured Music: Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart's Requiem